I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I can't turn off my feet"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
