Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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