i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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