It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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