He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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