my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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