farters have to be the big spoon...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
