I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
