Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
