I molested 6 butterflies tonight
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
