and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
