My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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