someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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