She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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