In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
