Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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