im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
