Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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