i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
