you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
