Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
