Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
