Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
