Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
