Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
