I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
