His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
