woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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