I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
