OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
