I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
