just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
