Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
