Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
