when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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