Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
