he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
