I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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