I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
birth control should be required to get into college
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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