Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize