theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
