dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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