i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
