Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
