just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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