my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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