if i can run in heels then i can drive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
