there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
