Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
