I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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