Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
