Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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