We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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