He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
how drunk are you?
Several
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
