I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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