his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
