life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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