mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Even my vagina gasped.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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