Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
