Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
this is an emotional support booty call
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
